Where I'm at.

Walking, stumbling
On these shadowfeet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing
Less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began

And I have sensed it all along
Fast approaching is the day

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standin'
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

There's distraction
Buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
But I've heard rumours
Of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standin'
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standin'
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standin'
Every fear and accusation under my feet
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you

Update

I have a new boss! Thankful after a year of keeping my head above water that God has brought me a new person to work alongside. Excited to get to know Roger and Cindy Eng of Fremont Nebraska more. Would appreciate your prayers as we learn to work together and love one another. Aaron has been spending his summer doing home repairs before he goes back to school in the fall and now we are preparing for our annual trip to the Okoboji Lakes Bible and Missionary Conference. The theme for this years conference is "Restored, Rejoice!" I cannot tell you how excited I am by this theme. It was a year ago right now that I started down a path into a very difficult year at work, at home and emotionally. I wouldn't trade the year in because the things God has taught me are priceless but oh the hope that God might have a year of restoration planned for us! I pray it is so.

Peace in the mess

I was so excited to wake up this morning and sit down with my big mug of coffee and hopefully catch a glimpse of Kate Middleton's dress on the today show before my sister-in-law D came to watch the boys for a bit while I worked. But before I had even focused my eyes it became apparent that Ezra J was sick. The thing that gave it away you ask? Yah that would be when he puked all over me at the top of the morning and then continued that fun all. day. long. So there were some "not fun" elements to the day....a whole lot of unsanitary elements and a few really precious cuddle moments too. Now both boys are sleeping and Aaron is graciously picking up take out chinese for us since I was too busy caring for the babe to cook. I am sitting in my 2nd favorite place, my rocking chair (asleep in my bed is my first favorite place), and breathing in the peace. The weekends are so hectic as it is but they get far more hectic when Aaron and I both have responsibilities at my work that I cannot get out of and I have no one to watch the boys (most baby sitters aren't fond of vomit) So I am sitting here wondering how it will all pan out and trying not to worry. Trying to trust God. Days like this make me wish I didn't have to work. Days where I hand sick babies off to other care-givers make me feel trapped....I'm a bad mom to hand the kids off and a bad mom not to pay the mortgage. The responsibilities are heavy and many. I so wish things were different in this crazy world. But they are not, and for now I pursue God and pray that the fruit of the spirit, namely, peace will be more evident in my life amidst all the messiness of it all. 4 outfit changes, 3 loads of laundry, 5 carpet scrubbings definitely equals a messy day. I also want to go edit this post so it is really poetic for you all because thats what bloggers do. But for now, I think I will be at peace and let this post be a mess too : )

A glimmer...

So if I'm going to be honest with you, I have to say that the days have been very hard for a very long time now. My heart sinks when I hear the first cry every morning from Ezra and know that I have to get up and face the day. Things are hard. Home is hard. Work is hard. Living inside my head is hard. Friends and people I can trust are few. Ok you get the picture. Not throwing a pity party - just setting up my story honestly. I just walked in the door from a long, tiring, discouraging day knowing full well that there is not much hope of life getting easier in the near future and in my mailbox is an unsigned note. I have grown accustomed to hating unsigned notes. Work at a church for awhile (almost any church, I would venture) and you will get a few unsigned notes and most of them aren't of the "encouragement" variety. But the one that came tonight, right when I felt like I could not go on had a simple message of thanks from an unknown person in our body and two gift cards for gas. So whoever you are.....thank you. Your thoughtfulness alone has encouraged me and no doubt, the gas will come in handy as well. And to God, I know that you were the guy who timed all this out...so thank you. I take it as a glimmer of light at the end of a very long dark tunnel. And though I am still daunted by the darkness and know the light could be quite a ways away, thank you for reminding me tonight that it's there. You're there. Please send more glimmers. I need them.

Wednesday

Wednesdays are my office days. I go in at noon to reconnect with the staff at church for the week (since I usually work from home so I can multi-task raising these boys and working in every spare second). Side note: Its also our subway night. Aaron picks the boys up at his mom's after work and brings them out to my work where we all eat Subway then hurry off to AWANA. Speaking of sandwiches, my meetings are almost always sandwiched with some beautiful little boy time. Right now we're cuddling in my bed watching Veggie Tales. My heart is full because wild Mr. E is cuddling next me. Moms you know what a rare, glorious moment this is when your super active child decides to calm down and lay their head on your lap. I. am. in. heaven. As I look into his face I see that he is starting to lose the baby look. I have mixed emotions that he is growing and will continue to grow more dependent...Feelings of anticipation as I am quite literally desperate for things to get easier in my life and feelings of sadness knowing that I can't get this time back...will I forget his little mannerisms, his little toothless smile? How he feels so small in my arms? Oh brother, now I am crying.

Tonight we go to Sam's AWANA awards ceremony. So proud of that boy, all the verses he learned, and the socialization that occurred at AWANA this year. He's can be shy in a group so AWANA was our Phase 1 of prepping him socially for kindergarten (which doesn't start for a year and a bit). Phase 2 was to be preschool in the fall but I'm having second thoughts on that so we'll see.

Well its about time to start the long process of packing up the car and diaper bag and getting ready for the day so I will end and write again soon.

Has it really been a year?

Well. I make no promises that I can continue this - but in a rare quiet moment as the boys sleep in (recovering from Easter egg hunts with cousin Timmy yesterday), I thought I should sit down and type my first blog in a year. The year brought many changes that challenged my ability to find time to blog but I am hoping that I may slowly be able to get back into posting some memories and thoughts here for friends and family and because its free therapy.

Early in 2010, Ezra Justice joined us and upon arrival we found him to be quite easy but it didn't take long for him to surprise us with more spunk and fire than we knew a child could possess. Ezra is that child that makes a parent say, "ok, God. we'd like to be done now". He is an absolute joy and I am so excited to see who he becomes and what he does with his life and in the world, but in the meantime, he will require some degree of work!

Not long after we caught our breath from adding a new child to the family we were grieved to find out that my dear friend, boss and co-laborer of 8 years was temporarily stepping down as the Senior Pastor at our church and that "temporary" label changed to "forever" after he took 3 months off and realized he needed more time. The last 6 months brought much grief and growth and grace and now, ready or not, we are taking up faith and hope as we continue into unknown territory at the place I call "work" but that actually permeates every aspect of our lives. God is teaching me so much through this change of plans; he has pulled me out of my routine (a nice word for rut) and though it hasn't been fun, per se, It has been good.

I am short on thoughts and words today as I suffer from what I call a "Sunday Hangover" - its a thing I get on Mondays where my body has to recover from the stress of the previous day and I act like a zombie until usually Tuesday morning when I get the victory and pick myself up by the boot straps and decide to face the week. I hope to write more once I find my bootstraps!

Walk your day with God at your side today, friends.

Sam's 3rd Birthday

I was shocked to see that I haven't blogged since August! Oh my. Life has been busy.

On Tuesday (March 23) Sam is celebrating his 3rd birthday and so I just completed his birthday DVD of video clips from the past year...thought we'd post it here so friends and family could view it. You've been warned...its long...a mamma just can't edit her child's precious moments out! Enjoy.